This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.