Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
A friend helps you before you need it
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.