my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”