Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.