You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen