*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My work here is done
Mornin
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
i baked you a cake
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.