Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.