ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Day 2 of my diet
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Close call…
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.