If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist