Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
In case you needed to hear it:
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?