* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
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Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
The fall of Netflix
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…