*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Terribly Tuesday.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99