I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
You Might Also Like
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
We’ve come full circle
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
A dad and his duck