If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
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I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.