Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
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They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
very niche meme I made
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Love it! 👍😂
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.