In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Awesome parenting 😂
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.