I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
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My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle