I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
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My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
“our sushi is very fresh”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!