Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me