*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.