3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.