*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.