Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??