The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
wtf is an acronym
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.