it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
eggs benadryl
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
be careful
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!