As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
White parent Vs Arab parents
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?