I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”