I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
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DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Social distancing in Australia:
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
rise and shine we got egg
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]