The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣