my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
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I like donuts.
Twitter:
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
ME (calling my horse with no name):
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.