“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
You Might Also Like
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
#NoRestForTheWicked
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.