Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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Ok who’s got my black socks?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
He a real one for that
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.