The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself