They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
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I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
japanese corn
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that