Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
You Might Also Like
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Friends that check up on you >
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Just so funny
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful