“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?