Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.