Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
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Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.