My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.