Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t