-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Things that don鈥檛 exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: Grandpa hasn鈥檛 been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
My friend鈥檚 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 馃檪
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Batman: what鈥檚 your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where鈥檇 the nerd go
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My 6yr old says she鈥檚 going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it鈥檚 7:05.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.