There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
#parenting
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.