Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
wut hotdog?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.