Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
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Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
kitchen magnet
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.