comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
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Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running