Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning