3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.