[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
You Might Also Like
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
What a chick magnet..
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.