I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
some things should go without saying
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it