DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
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“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
the short answer to this question
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”